I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
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Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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