the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
