I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Boobs speak an international language.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
