your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
