I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
