piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
