what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize