its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
