I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize