WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
