god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
