dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
