It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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