I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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