She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
