foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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