My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Someone shit on the floor
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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