Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
