she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
