So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
