When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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