maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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