This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
