i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
