I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
