I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
