my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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