alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
