she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Pants are for mortals
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
