Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
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Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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