My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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