actually, I'm a sock model
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
