Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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