Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
