I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
