Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
