is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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