he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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