I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
