I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
