i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
