Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize