and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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