sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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