Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
