I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
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