i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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