Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
