if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
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Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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