he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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