if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
