I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
