My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Church boner. Awkwardddd
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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