The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
