I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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