I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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